Conditional Parental Affection

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In 2004, two Israeli researchers, Avi Assor and Guy Roth, joined Edward L. Deci, a leading American expert on the psychology of motivation, in asking more than 100 college students whether the love they had received from their parents had seemed to depend on whether they had succeeded in school, practiced hard for sports, been considerate toward others or suppressed emotions like anger and fear.
It turned out that children who received conditional approval were indeed somewhat more likely to act as the parent wanted. But compliance came at a steep price. First, these children tended to resent and dislike their parents. Second, they were apt to say that the way they acted was often due more to a “strong internal pressure” than to “a real sense of choice.” Moreover, their happiness after succeeding at something was usually short-lived, and they often felt guilty or ashamed [source].

In an Indian context, this is hardly news although we would rarely admit it. Most parental affection is driven by expectations and expectations from your child are perennially sky high. Citing from my personal experience, doing well in school was paramount and the better I did, the more my parents were proud of me. I remember one time in elementary school when our final results used to be mailed over the summer break. I received my results and rushed to my dad with the news. He asked expectedly, “First rank?” I stopped in my tracks with downcast eyes and said, “No, second rank” and the expression on my dad’s face was enough for me to promptly burst out crying. Of course, he consoled me and said that it doesn’t matter and he was proud of me nevertheless but then hey, who are we kidding?

My dad and I don’t exactly share the overtly affectionate relationships and most of our conversations when I was growing up centered on either my ‘contribution to our home’ or what had I planned for life. Everything I did or talked about had to fit in those two categories. Well, the latter part didn’t exactly work out as I or rather he had planned. He expected me to go for engineering; I chose architecture. He hoped I would join his consulting and construction firm; I packed my bags and left for graduate school to the U.S. and haven’t returned. He is proud of me and my doctoral degree but I don’t think he fully understands what exactly I do as he still continues to give advice on where I should apply for jobs and which locations I should live in because the opportunities are better there. I used to try and explain that it isn’t what I do but nowadays, I just nod my head and say, I’ll look into it. I try not to live up to the unrealistic or sometimes divergent expectations that he sets for me.

During my parents visit last month for my graduation, he admitted that as a male, he did not feel equipped with expressing his true love and affection toward his children (the whole ‘men are macho and women are sensitive’ stereotype) and I appreciate him at least admitting that. But I realize that deep down, he still doesn’t consider me (or my brother) as an adult capable of having an independent opinion and feels it necessary to dole out advice over every aspect; that in itself counts as communication. We cannot argue over other issues like politics, society, culture, etc. because it ends up in a shouting match and him getting offended for having disputed his opinions and blaming America for having corrupted my worldview.

I’m sure my relationship with my dad pales in comparison to others who have had far worse problems. Some have been disowned for being gay or have been physically or emotional abused during their childhood. Growing up is tough and children more often than not crave their parents approval and at times, parents make it worse by withholding their affection unless their kids do exactly what they expect of them. Parents try to ensure that their kids do all the things that they couldn’t do in their life and often that is considered as a good thing unmindful of the fact that their children may not wish to do those things. And when they do not do as they expect them to do, they are to put it mildly, disappointed. When the children grow up, they do exactly as their parents did and the story continues.

So what exactly is love or affection between parents and their children? Is it simply a symbiotic relationship or you do certain things because you feel duty-bound by social pressures? If it is the latter, doesn’t it result in bottled-up rage or at least dissatisfaction that might manifest in other forms or misdirected at others? I’m not a parent yet so am hardly the person to dish out advice on parenting but the traditional and popular form of conditional love sounds…unfair. Perhaps, as humans, we genuinely cannot be better.

“Conditional Parental Affection” [Short URL: http://www.ipatrix.com/?p=2984] was published Wednesday, September 16th, 2009 at 10:11 am by Patrix, filed under 9rules, Personal, and tagged as children, love, parenting, parents, Personal, relationships. Both comments and linkbacks are closed.

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Ashwin
Thats a very frank post. At the peril of sounding like I am generalizing, I think the father-son relationship in the Indian Society is very much along the lines that you described, with slightly varying degrees. Its almost a business-like relationship with the son being prepared to become the next “leader of the family” and being expected to follow a prescribed route to do so. While the father-son relationship would seem symbiotic, when it comes to daugthers the same father would become protective and more affectionate..again symbolic of how daughters/girls are perceived to be the “softer” kind in our society. Like you said, its easy for us to analyze now – I will be interested to see what kind of a parent I turn out to be and more importantly how my kid(s) would analyze my parenting :).

Patrix
I too felt that what I described may be the norm but hate to generalize. And of course, this by no means implies that I would be a better parent but I’ll definitely try to fix some things. Parenting is a skill that cannot be taught and heck, isn’t even constant in time and in fact, is rooted in context and social norms. I guess we all do the best we can.

http://www.suyogdeshpande.net/blog/ Supremus
You came 2nd eh? I am sure my dad would’ve been glad if I was anywhere near top 10 hehe ;).
That said I have been lucky that for the most part of my life I was allowed to pursue what I wanted (and so has been my bro). Yeah, my dad used to dole out advice at drop of a hat and once he started there was no stopping him for a couple of hours (no kidding!), but surprisingly enough I don’t remember any of them being catered towards what career path I should take. After I finished college and got my first job, even the uncalled advices stopped too (and now I miss them!).
Long story short, I’d like to be my like dad towards my kids when I have ‘em. Sure it had some growing pains, but it worked out very well. And yeah, I’ll try to keep my vishesh tipannis to half hours hehe!
S

Patrix
Sheesh! I was perfectly happy until I was in the fourth standard. Came in second in one pesky Unit Test and my parents expectations skyrocketed and they thought they had a prodigal son :) “Keep expectations low” would be my advice to kids; your parents will always be pleasantly surprised then. My brother fortunately learned this well.
Good luck being a dad but am sure your kids will crib even at your half hours vishesh tipannis and will instead ask you to tweet them.

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Ambika
Excellent post and we must learn from the mistakes of our parents. I think we will be the first generation desis who will nurture our kids and be supportive. Sorry to say this but your dad sounds like a poor parent , the 1st rank story is terrible.
I was in the top 10 and there was pressure to maintain it but nothing that said being 1st was the only option. That being said my father was very hands off because he probably did not know how to handle daughters. Mother was friendly, accepting and in their old age they became very open, honest and even ask for advice and help. I think sons and daughters are treated differently.
Growing up in S. India I saw parents with attitudes similar to your father’s. They could not accept the fact that the kid would do things differently from what was expected . It was insulting to them that their advice was not followed. They had masterplans and any deviation from it was an epic fail.
One friend was barely passing science but the parents paid a ton to get him to dental school. I have relatives who still treat sons over 40 yrs as little kids. Will the son die if he forgot to drink his milk? lol
A coworker who started his own company mentioned how his parents did not approve and it was harder for him when it failed. The expectation in India is that your kid in the US works for a famous brand name company and his parents were unable to understand their son’s decision.
A lot of the pressure is also from society — imagine their shame when they have to tell folks “My son is an asst Prof in Tx” and people silently think “huh lecturer? salary bahut kum hogi”
As and adult daughter I had to learn to accept my parents inspite of their resistance to new ideas and they now respect my siblings and me. I think they were better parents compared to the prev gen. We will surely be better at it too.

Patrix
Well, my dad wasn’t that bad of a parent as my post may suggest. He just didn’t have the time; which of course, is no excuse too. There were other extraneous circumstances family-wise but then if you point the finger back long enough, you can blame a germ for splitting into two (courtesies Col. Tigh in BSG). However, talking about Indian parents, often money is mistaken for love and if parents feel that they are spending more than the other parents, they care more for their children when in fact, kids just need time and for parents to listen to them. Most of all, it is the expectations game and as I told Ashwin, the higher or unrealistic expectations are, the greater the chances for disappointment.

bloghopper
Its really strange how life comes a full circle. While growing up, I disliked the free advises from my dad. I vowed that I would never be like my dad. Now that I am a dad myself, I see my dad in me everytime I say something to my child. I have to push my child so she gets her handwriting right. I have to constantly keep telling her to read her books, just like my dad. Never knew I had so much of my dad in me !

Patrix
You are worried about your kid’s handwriting? Really? I’m sure she is doing great otherwise such a minor quibble wouldn’t matter :)

http://www.rpsam.blogspot.com Rhucha
This is an excellent post and reading it got me back to the memory lane. My father still advices me about many things and as you do I just listen patiently. I think they always look at us as children who continuously need to be taught. I have similar story about choosing BA in the first place after tenth grade and not even thinking of going for Science stream. I had to fight tooth and nail for that. However, it turned out to be the best decision for me and my father does not hesitate to say that. I am very happy about that. Again this may be different becuase it’s father-daughter relationship. But as for politics and sports we prefer not to disagree with each other or it becomes an unending shouting match. I am very close to my father and feel some of that “tough love” was needed that time. He is very proud of me and says it publicly so much to embarrass me at times. But I agree with the point that father -son relationship can be tough.

Patrix
I guess a father-daughter relationship would be a lot different than a father-son relationship. As someone once told me, it is basically a power balance thing and especially so, in joint households where everyone lives under the same roof. The father hates to give up control over people and the son tries to wrestle it from him. If done amicably, people go their separate ways and continue to maintain good relationships otherwise things can go horribly wrong.

http://theprofessionalwoman.blogspot.com/ Soma Bhadra
Great topic! This is very close to my heart and I have a lot to say, but I will leave it to a detailed post later. In essence, I agree with you that conditional affection is commonly practiced – probably all over the world, and may be more in India and China where the pressure of ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ is strong.
I condemn the behavior as an abuse of love, an abuse of a parent’s power over the child. Such behavior leaves a deep lasting emotional wound that never gets better, even after 40-50 years. Most adults who were victims as children do not often become abusers when they grow up, especially if they were able to recognize the abuse when they were kids. So, young fathers and mothers, do not be afraid that you will be doing it to your kid. But, these victims do become experts in abusing themselves. In most cases, they are never satisfied with their success because of the deep rooted sense of unworthiness instilled by their parents. Their need for approval is very strong.
I have suffered this, I have lived in fear as a child, and it still haunts me. One thing that I find myself saying these days and it helps – “I am who I am today DESPITE my childhood, not because of it.”
Every child deserves somebody to love them and nurture them and be crazy for them for who they are – a child. Children should never have to ‘earn’ the love of their parents and embark on the never-ending futile quest to fulfill their parents’ dreams and make them ‘proud’.
Reading suggestion – Andrew Vachss has done some good work on emotional abuse of children, his essays are worth checking out.

Patrix
Thanks for the book tip.
I guess we all are damaged in a way :) As they say, success has a thousand fathers but failure is an orphan. Pun intended.

http://vishymn.blogspot.com vishwa
Felt as if I’d written this post. :-) Maybe many would feel the same, with a few details changed here and there.
My parents would feel proud whenever I came first and of course, the disappointment–expressed or otherwise–would be huge when I lost out. The result was that I spent my growing years trying to outdo everyone else in the class, trying to get that first rank, that seat in that college, that prestigious course—and when it got too much, just rebelled. Not to say that they didn’t care for me or showed me any affection. But I ended up being pretty scared of failing. I couldn’t go to my parents with my faults/shortcomings, because I was sure of their disapproval/anger. Don’t know if they were ever conscious of it. Maybe that’s the way they grew up and they couldn’t think anything beyond that while raising their kids.
My son is 3 years now and I’ll do everything to avoid becoming a similar parent to him.
http://apublicdiary.blogspot.com phoenix
I can relate to most of what you say at a personal level. They don’t mean to do it, but parents can wreck your self-confidence or make you feel guilty/inadequate instantly and more hurtfully than anyone, esp when you’re young. And the environment we grow in has a HUGE bearing on who we become, in fact I believe every trait of people’s behavior can be traced down in some way to their childhood. I still strive for that approval from my parents, no matter how much of a rebel I grow to become. It still hurts.

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Conditional Parental Affection

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