Raising Kids in an Atheist Household

Hello there! If you are new here, you might want to subscribe to the RSS feed for updates on this topic.

I have been a recovering Hindu for a while now although my parents are still grappling with my atheist avatar and still consider it as a passing phase. I refuse to participate in any religious rites but rarely involve myself in heated religion debates. Although my dad claims to be a nastik ^[1], he is anything but. Any religious rites that any astrologer will suggest is dutifully carried out without question. When my parents visited us last year, he asked my wife if we celebrate any Indian festivals. She replied, not really. He then proceeded to sneak in one of his judgmental remarks by adding, so there is no occasion for joy? I could simply shake my head in disbelief and bite my tongue to avoid yet another showdown that others have come to expect when we meet. But his remark also made me think – are there any festivals or joyous occasions that atheists can celebrate without invoking any reference of god?

In contemporary India or America, religious festivals are largely community or family events that have little deference to actual religious rites. I’m an avowed atheist and my wife is at best an agnostic. By no measure, we are a religious couple so we hardly expect to raise our kid(s) in any particular religious environment. At the same time, we wouldn’t like them to shy away from our cultural heritage and other community or familial events that would bring much joy to their lives. Consider this post to be more of an open discussion rather than narrating a set of diktats.

Since we are Indians living in America, our kid(s) have the added advantage of celebrating twice the number of festivals. But at the same time, I would like to stay away from the purely religious ones. With the exception of Laxmi Pujan, Diwali is hardly a religious festival and my childhood memories are dominated by sweets and firecrackers. Similarly, Holi is hardly the worship of the bonfire but mostly about the joy of playing with water balloons, pichkaris, and colors. On this side of the pond, Christmas although central to the Christian faith has long departed from remembering the birth of Jesus Christ (Fox News tries to remind us every year in vain) and instead focuses on Santa Claus and the number of gifts he is supposed to bring depending on how good you have been. Easter is more about chocolate eggs and bunnies than about Christ rising again. As you grow older, St. Patricks’ Day is about partying and getting wasted. Thanksgiving doesn’t even have a religion-centric origin and focuses on enjoying a hearty meal with family and friends while watching football.

The only exception would be Ganesh Chaturthi where the entire aim of the festival is to worship a clay idol for 1.5 to 10 days; that is something that I never intend on doing although it is a hundred-year-old tradition in my family. Thankfully my dad has one more son to whom I have gladly passed on the baton of continuing the tradition. I like to think the transition has been smooth and acceptable to all parties concerned.

This thought experiment started out trying to think of festivals and events that we as a family could celebrate without bowing down to an entity that I’m sure doesn’t exist and to my surprise, I found plenty. After my kid(s) grow up, they are free to make up their mind about the existence of god but I, like other religious parents, am going to pass on my beliefs except in my case, they are of atheism. We have images and idols of Hindu gods in our home but none of them are worshipped and merely serve as art pieces. At the same time, I would not like to deprive them of any community or family involvement. I wouldn’t want them to not celebrate any festival that isolates them from their friends or family members. The more I think about it, the festivals that most kids enjoy hardly have any direct religious connotations. In fact, the favorite festival for kids, Halloween is in fact a pagan ritual that many Christian kids enjoy and allowed to do so by their otherwise evangelical parents (kids get free candy so how can they stop them?) We shall have no religious rites or ceremonies that goes against my belief system but merely focus on the joyous times that festivals are supposed to be. There shall be no folding of hands or visiting temples alhough I’m aware that this might hamper our acceptance in the desi community stateside. This is not to say that I’m repulsed by Hindu mythology. On the contrary, I find it quite fascinating and the potential for story-telling is endless and it contains several moral lessons as well. But I draw the line at idolizing any characters and worshipping them.

Do any of you either as parents or future parents have grappled with this dilemma? How do you deal with it? What festivals do you celebrate and how? Or for that matter, have you ever given it a thought or merely shrugged your shoulders and accepted it as it comes?

Footnotes:

Indian term for atheist [↩]

“Raising Kids in an Atheist Household” [Short URL: http://www.ipatrix.com/?p=3386] was published Thursday, March 18th, 2010 at 7:47 pm by Patrix, filed under 9rules, DesiPundit, Personal, Religion, and tagged as atheism, children, family, god, Religion. Both comments and linkbacks are closed.

« Links for March 17th, 2010

Healthcare Reform comes to America »

http://milkmiracle.net Anirban
This is a very balanced post from an Indian perspective. I am an atheist myself. I stopped believing many years ago, but played along convincing myself it was for cultural reasons. My wife and I had a Hindu wedding. Still, my wife does not believe in the pantheon of 33 crore gods either which makes it a lot easier for us to get along.
I am convinced that kids can be raised to think objectively after being told to look into their own religious heritage. What more could atheist parents want? Short of that would be the moral cowardice that we so despise. Kids will take the views of their parents for the first few decades, but if they learn to think for themselves, they will invariably make their own decisions.
And if they are smart, they won’t look to the skies every time they face adversity.
http://www.kuppurao.com RK
You seem be to concerned about the celebrations than of the core of the faith. Celebrations – IMO – is a smaller problem than real faith. Please read this and give your views as well. http://bit.ly/bvlWOG
A Cynic in Wonderland
The question also would be about atheism in a largely non-hindu environment. When the kids go to school they will be confronted with Jesus and bible and choirs and churches as well. so how does one explain that aspect of it?
http://this-must-be-utopia.blogspot.com Tamanna Mishra
I am an agnostic theist (just a fancy way of saying I am not quite sure if I have faith or not), my husband a hardcore theist. We don’t have kids yet, so this might just be monkey gyaan. But I think kids in our day and age will probably see more of celebrations that don’t stem out of any faith or relegion. Festivals are holidays, meant to be celebrated. And they will get exposed to both theist and atheist ideas. Probably when the time comes, they can decide for themselves what they want. I really think religion or even faith are fast becoming unimportant in the kid of lives we lead these days. Being sure of whether or not one wants to be a theist, even more so. They may want to take a call on their belief, or they might just want to fence-sit without knowing whether they believe or not. Any which way, as long as nobody is forcing their ideas on others, theist or atheist, it might just be OK.
Or I might just be over-simplifying a not-so-simple issue.
http://lotusnova.blogspot.com Amit
“But I draw the line at idolizing any characters and worshipping them.”
==
Hmmm….I don’t think there’s any compulsion in Hinduism to do so. Besides, one can invoke the symbolism in Gods and Goddesses and focus on the (symbolic) ideals and trying to imbibe such ideals in one’s own life. If others “worship idols”, why should it bother me? I can “worship” in my own way while still being part of the celebration. Laissez-faire.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems to me that there was no one to explain the significance of festivals while you were growing up, and you (and yours truly) simply celebrated such festivals because it was part-and-parcel of one’s life while growing up. Besides, if you have figured things out in spite of celebrating festivals while growing up and reached your current “atheist” stage, I’m sure your children will do the same too once they grow up – one way or the other. :)
http://lotusnova.blogspot.com Amit
BTW, are you (or rather, your wife) expecting one soon? :D
http://pikeyspeak.blogspot.com Piker
Wouldn’t call myself atheist yet. It’s a lot of internal conflict. I am at a stage where I enjoy parody of every aspect of religion. It’s fun, I enjoy it. But I grew up in a very conservative household. And religion/spirituality plays a major role at home. If I were to ever say I’m an atheist I’m pretty sure my dad would think he’s failed in life. At least your dad says he’s a nastik. My dad says he doesn’t care which religion you are as long as you believe in God.
It’s for that reason alone I prefer to play along.
Culture is a different thing though. And that’s a discussion for another day.
Nonie
Some compelling questions that come to my mind are:
1. How will my last rites be performed by my kids if I dont teach them a bit of religion
2. At some point in time in the lives of my kids they will need the power of prayer or something divine to call upon at a time of distress. If I dont expose them to religion, if I dont teach them how to pray what happens?
3. I have so far put on a facade during festivals just to ensure the family camaraderie but I find it increasingly difficult as the kids are growing up.
http://sherenejose.com Sherene
I think the challenge as a parent is in being truly open-minded and accepting children’s choices, whatever they maybe, and even if they go against one’s rational atheist points of view. One of my housemates was raised in an atheist household and she & her fiance are deeply religious in the Catholic faith. Her brother has joined a very strict Christian monastery in another country & this requires him to greatly cut down on contact with family. Her parents are furious and they have regular fallouts with both children on matters of faith and religion. To me, this is no different than the badgering atheist children face from their devout parents.
How would you react to your children growing up to be very religious? :)
http://www.kalpana.it Sunil Deepak
I agree partly with Sherene, about children’s right to be believers of whatever religion or rituals, if they wish so. As the mostly atheist part of a Hindu-Catholic couple, I feel that children are good at understanding the complexities of life and making their own decisions, as they grow up. You did grow up to be an atheist, while growing in an apparent religious home and siblings? So why not enjoy all the festivals, without bothering about their religious contents, may be watching the other lesser beings for their beliefs in rituals and feeling superior? Children will grow up fine if they understand that it does not need to be taken so seriously.
Ash
@A Cynic in Wonderland: That’s probably more true of a convent school in India than a public school in the US :)
http://www.ipatrix.com Patrix
@Anirban: Thanks. I’m glad to know that we are not the only ones. But like my wife asked me, do I know of any atheist couples that have kids? Do they ‘lapse into religion’ for the sake of their kids?
@RK: This post is not about my beliefs or rather the lack thereof in religion. Like I said, it is a personal decision so I don’t have to explain it to anyone. Everyone else is free to believe in god and I won’t bite. And there is nothing wrong in just looking at celebration. Most of us do.
@Tamanna Mishra: Thanks for sharing. Things might be slightly complicated at your end and your kids might get conflicting signals from the both of us. But more often than not, in such case, I have seen one parent being more dominant in passing their beliefs and if the other partner doesn’t mind too much, then that’s how it plays out. But it is definitely worth discussing.
@A Cynic in Wonderland: And that would be true of any non-Christian children but I’m specifically talking about atheism here.
@Amit: No, to your second comment. And yeah sure, like I mentioned, I will join in the celebration for any festival as long as I am not expected to partake in the purely religious aspects of it. I don’t want to stand, bow my head, and join hands during an aarti. I did so during my wedding but that was the last time and to maintain the peace :)
And to your surprise, I know the significance of most festivals but I don’t see how that could strenthen your belief in god. Most of the festivals or beliefs at least in Hinduism can be traced back to certain practical wisdom that were gradually obfuscated with religious dogma to ensure compliance. That is the aspect I disagree with.
http://www.ipatrix.com Patrix
@Piker: Thankfully my parents aren’t that religious. They are more of the god-fearing types who do rituals “just to be on the safer side” :) I don’t think I will be disowned for not believing in god. I have done far more egregious things to disappoint them so this is the least of their worries.
@Nonie: Your first two questions are rooted in religion debates so I will not comment on them. But an atheist wouldn’t be bothered with them and if you still are, you probably are not one. Your last one however is something that only you can answer.
@Sherene: I would like to think that I wouldn’t mind. I wouldn’t be teaching atheism to my kids so much that I wouldn’t be teaching religion to them. They are bound to be exposed in school or with friends and if they ask questions, I will answer them as honestly as possible. Lying to them about an omnipresent god that keeps a balance sheet of your good and bad deeds, I think, make things worse.
I was exposed to religion a lot growing up and I don’t think my parents are disappointed that I’m no longer religious at least not as much as Piker’s parents might be.
@Sunil Deepak: That is exactly what I have in mind. Many Hindu festivals have a distinct religious and ‘fun’ aspects to them. It might make the believers mad that we choose to enjoy the ‘fun’ parts without bothering about the religious part. Sorry, no guilty feelings there :) Children are free to believe what they want when they grow up and as long as I don’t have to do anything religious, I wouldn’t mind anyone doing whatever rocks their boat.
http://uberdesi.com Santosh
The only reason I would consider myself Hindu in the religion category is because I’ve to perform my father’s thevasam(shraad) yearly and will probably stay that way for life. My wife is a non-practicing Methodist and we celebrate a few Hindu (Diwali, Navratri) and Christian (Christmas, Easter) holidays mainly for the respective families and our participation is largely social. She believes in her version of “God” to some extent and I’m largely disinterested in anything to do with religion or God(s). I’m not sure what that qualifies me as, and don’t care to find out either.
We hope to be parents someday and instill a healthy respect for all religions, atheists, agnostics, unicorn worshipper, etc in our child(ren). Personally I’m hoping to instill my brand of cynicism towards religion and God also.
As for my last rites, hopefully, whoever is in charge of that will cremate and scatter me and everyone who knows me will go out and have a drink for me, cutting chai for the teetotalers.
http://www.suyogdeshpande.net/blog/ Supremus
Not sure what are u so concerned about. The only things you’ll probably miss are colors, social gatherings, good food, a central non-speaking-sitting-quietly-in-corner-adorned-with-gregarious-clothes chief guest, and perhaps a chance to understand why such festivals were held in the first place ;) ;). Which as is, you don’t right now, so there isn’t much your kid will miss growing up.
BTW, I do believe in God, though festivals are largely an excuse for me to have good food, meet friends, have fun, and ultimately remind myself that sometimes God needs some maska & pampering too :P if I intend to use him as my crying pillow for all my sorrow. Which I do.
http://www.ipatrix.com Patrix
@Santosh: I am more or less have the similar attitude toward religion and thankfully, I don’t have to do anything religious yet. My father has made it explicit in his will that no religious rites shall be performed for him. Likewise for me.
@Supremus: I don’t begrudge anyone for believing in god; after all it is a personal decision and should be respected by believers and non-believers alike. Re: the colors and the social gatherings, hey unless you make me bow down and pay my respects, I’m game for all the fun that festivals bring.
http://palscape.wordpress.com bongopondit
I think you are overthinking this whole thing. Like T’giving (secular origin) and St Patty’s Day (religious origin but secular looong time back), most Indian community gatherings in India hardly have a religious overtone. At least not the ones I have been to. Seems to be dominated mostly by gossiping, showing off (my son is going to MIT, oh your daughter is will be attending state college, sorry to hear), bad beer and boxed wine (the last two deal the heaviest blow to my sensibilities).
But then I hear there are RSS gatherings and Sunday Hindu schools in the US – better keep away from those. Just buy the kids some Amar Chitra Kathas.
Shreya
I think with both partners being atheists/agnostics/ the issue is simpler, the really worry lies when one partner is deeply religious and the other is on the verge of atheism!
http://www.ipatrix.com Patrix
@bongopondit: And that may be the case in which case, perhaps I am overthinking. Recently my in-laws whom my wife told me were as non-religious as possible performed a gruh shanti puja for their new home. Even she was surprised that her parents wanted to perform this puja. Thankfully they know of my atheist leanings so they didn’t mind me not participating in the religious part of the gathering. So what would I tell my kids to do if I had any? Should they join hands and pray during the aarti?
@Shreya: I agree and at least in our case, we are not much different.
http://rpsam.blogspot.com Rhucha
I think when we decide to grow our children up in US, they face a different cultural conflict itself. When most of their friends follow Christian beliefs and they don’t celebrate any of those at home, it has to be confusing. What I think is let’s celebrate festivals both American and Indian without visiting a church or a temple. My aunt has been following this for a long time. So children enjoy the colors, food and meeting friends and family and not feel left out. I also believe that we don’t have to follow a particular religious belief to celebrate any of the festival. I am sure you know people from other faiths who participate in each others festivals just because they enjoy the social gathering. So, even though I am not an atheist I feel hey, let’s celebrate without bringing the GOD in. Like I celebrate Superbowl Sunday :)
http://www.ipatrix.com Patrix
@Rhucha: Glad to hear that and yeah, of all Sunday festivals, Superbowl Sunday has to be the best :)
ms
know what? let us not make the same mistakes our parents did: no one taught them the difference between “culture” and “religion”, so one always means the other. i think lighting “diya” during diwali, playing with colours during holi, christmas tree with presents, costumes for halloween, biryani for eed, rice pudding for pongal, all these are cultural celebrations. i always celebrate these with my friends, doesn’t matter whose house we go to for a feast, what religion they belong to or what ritual is associated with these events. i also think that your handing down the religion of atheism to your children is not fair to them. you have chosen to use deities as decorations, that is your personal choice, most western people also do that. but i am sure that if you see anyone using the statue of ganpati as a doorstopper, you will be offended. i would be too if hindus used the image of christ improperly. these are known religious icons. what you may like to teach your children is a very simple fact: deities and religious images are to be respected even though one may not worship them. hinduism is a progressive faith, which has undergone so many divisions and changes and is still not tied to the cultural identity. for another minority (why do we still refer to it as one is beyond me) you can’t be a member unless you observe all the rituals and attend prayers. for years, traditions and culture have been the same as religion. they are not, all separate entities. the 100 year tradition of “ganeshchaturthi” that you have casually handed over to another sibling, the 3 generation practice of praying to the family deitiy that i have seen pass over to an uncle’s children (due to my reluctance), is a part of family tradition, not religion. i feel the next generation have lost out since they will never experience the colourful ceremony, the melodious singing of hymns. it is like the americans not having thanksgiving lunch, boxing day barbeques in Oz, halloween (oh no!!) or st patricks day with green beer and green barbequed chicken and lamb chops (thanks to irish friends in wellington, NZ!!). but i digress. old joke i want to share with you, hope you enjoy it as much as i did: battle between god and atheist scientist, latter claims that he can also build universe with grain of sand. so god says, get your own grain of sand. hahaha.
http://www.ipatrix.com Patrix
@ms: So people teaching their children religion is alright but if I “hand down my religion of atheism” to my children, it is not right? BTW atheism is as much a religion as not collecting stamps is a hobby.
Re: your joke, I have seen and met an atheist scientist but I have never seen god. And I’m sure it is the same with you. So I’m not sure who is laughing.
http://ambujsaxena.co.nr/ Ambuj Saxena
Even I sometimes wonder about bringing up kids in atheistic household. How do I tackle their questions about God’s existence (they will of course hear about it from school/friends/family). Do I just play along like we do for Tooth Fairy and let them realize the truth when they grow up, or do I lay bare my beliefs early on. I don’t even know whether the girl I marry will be religious or not, so that’s something I need to think about first.
http://www.theindicast.com Aditya
How can you be an Atheist in an atheist in Sachin’s era?
http://www.ipatrix.com Patrix
@Aditya: I’ll wait until he wins the World Cup for India :) Even the T20 guys won it.
ms
hey, i am laughing too! re atheism=religion, you mean to say that for x number of years you will answer “no” when your children ask if there is a god, and then miraculously when they are ‘grown up’, they will suddenly be free to decide if they want a religion? man, it’s like never letting a child stand up and then telling them years later that they are free to run! you do have a sense of humour, then! never mind, i have an easier time understanding agnostics, their ‘seeing is believing’ philosophy is so parental in its nature.
http://www.ipatrix.com Patrix
@ms: I grew up with religion and when I was “grown up”, I was free to decide that I didn’t want religion. People change religions all the time so believing or not is not the issue here.
Asmita
Patrix,
I don’t follow any religious customs in my house. But I will join the arti, or do a namaskar when I’m visiting friends or families.
The fun starts when kids start asking why there is no ganapati in our house. My daughter (age 7) has wanted me to invite ladies for haldi kunku at our house for the past 2 years now.
I generally let kids have an opinion about what we should do as a family and also take it seriously. So just for their fun I might host a haldi kunku or who knows even bring an idol home for Ganesh Chaturthi this year!
At the same time, talks like some people believe so and so..but I don’t think this is true are ongoing. So the kids definitely know that this does not figure in my daily life at all.
My hope is that they will absorb the fun and leave religion out of it.
I’m sorry if I’m responding late..but just thought I’d tell you that at least for me letting go of traditions was easy (since I don’t believe in them) but practicing them for the sake of my kids is proving to be harder.
http://www.ipatrix.com Patrix
@Asmita: Thanks. That was really helpful and I can imagine the struggle with handling children’s questions. I just hope I don’t have to lie to them just so that it makes things easy. Lying about Santa Claus is fun but then kids grow up and realize he doesn’t exist. Not so with god.

Nerve Endings Firing Away

Raising Kids in an Atheist Household

Footnotes:

Related Posts

Subscribe