Nerve Endings Firing Away

Nope, I haven’t yet seen the Bollywood enriched Jane Austen’s tale and definitely not reviewing it, if I ever do see it. There are already many women reviewing it (why not any men, I wonder?) I am talking about American Football. Before I came to the US, football meant something that you played with your; feet. Duh! Anyone with a pea-sized brain could figure that out, so I did. But things don’t exactly work out that way in America. You drive on the wrong side of the road even though you drive on the right. The Yankees-Marlins baseball series was labeled as the World Series although America didn’t qualify for the Olympics and don’t get me started on basketball again.

But football is something no one else plays although the Brits, Springboks, Kiwis, Aussies, and Rahul Bose play it without protective gear and call it rugby. You can easily call the Superbowl the World Championship although most of us watch it for the commercials and Janet Jackson’s saggy tit. Now you have this wonderfully aerodynamic ball that literally flies like the wind, but in rugby you cannot throw it forward. You merely cuddle; err…huddle and toss the ball, which if done in San Francisco would qualify as a gay orgy. Americans thought “hmmm; that seems like an interesting game and you even get to bash your opponent. But throwing the ball back is too Lucknowi, let us throw it forward”. Presto! American Football was born. But let us not bastardize the game too much, after the first guy (who is easily the most overrated and highly paid player on the team, not to say also the most defended player) throws it ahead, no one else can throw it ahead. Heck that would be just like handball with more skill. But we don’t want to be Scandinavian sissies. We need some reason to run into the other players with sheer bulk. Plus that makes the beer guzzling pot-bellied guys dream of being on the team. Wearing tights like Robin Hood’s merry men doesn’t change many minds though. I wonder if wearing the oversized shoulder pads compensate for those tights and make merely flabby men look more muscular.

But don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate the game. I actually love it and have started enjoying it although everyday when I think of a way I could play the game better; there is a seven-page NFL regulation that doesn’t allow it or rather allows it in a much more complicated way. I have always loved games with more rules and complex strategies but have played simple games like putting a round ball between two poles. Nope, chess doesn’t count. You have to move more appendages than a few fingers to call a game a sport. But the strange fact about American Football is the presence of layers of coaching personnel at the sidelines and in the booth upstairs, complete with enough communication technology to put the Mars Pathfinder to shame. The game is like one well-orchestrated video game and half of your thinking power is spent on guessing your opponent moves. Coaches instruct and highly paid bozos comply.

But I must confess the game is addictive; you gradually learn to see beyond the prancing cheerleaders. Playing time of one hour is always extended beyond 3-4 hours, thanks to countless time-outs and stoppages after each play. If you are seeing the game for the first time, you will almost mistake it as some slugfest or streetside brawl, but there is a methodical madness amidst all that chaos. I understood the importance of 3rd down after the stadium at Georgia Tech erupted each time with chants of “Go Defense”. The closest analogy I can think of is the Roman Colleseum where it takes the talent of Maximus Aurelius Maximus Meridius to bring out the beauty in a bloody fight. Of course, bloody fights are entertaining to many otherwise you wouldn’t see a dumbfuck like Tyson rake in the millions.

But I am no football fan but mildly interested in the fortunes of the local teams. Atlanta Falcons are surprisingly winning for a change and college teams, Georgia and Georgia Tech are playing better. But I see myself been drawn to the game. Aw shucks! Am I American already?