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From a much heated discussion with few friends.
A married woman with two girls in an abusive relationship with her husband should not divorce him because it might affect the ‘arranged marriage chances’ of her daughters in the near future i.e. divorced family ke ladki se kaun shaadi karega.
I was the only one (strangely) who found that ridiculous whereas others thought she was being highly practical and considerate toward her daughters. Tragically, it isn’t a fictional example either. Your thoughts?
by Patrix | on Saturday, December 15th, 2007 at 9:39 pm | 
India, Personal . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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December 16th, 2007 at 12:15 am reply
It’s an unfortunate reality in this arranged marriage business that a divorce of your parents bothers your maybe future in laws…
but the real reason (entirely my opinion and having seen other cases of it around me) that person isn’t exiting her marriage is because of the fright of having to live alone with two children..
That she thinks she is being considerate toward her daughters will one day be flung at her daughters.. amidst mad fights..
December 16th, 2007 at 3:51 am reply
The view is a function of the society they live in, and more accurately, the society they expect to live in when the daughters are of a marriageable age.
Much depends on expectation. Expectation is a function of social trends, family background, immediate geography, education, education of children, wealth etc. Change the expectation and you can change the way the lady thinks about the matter.
Treating it on a normative basis won’t help her much. You need to work on it from a practical, positive basis.
December 16th, 2007 at 5:05 pm reply
I know of two people who lived in our building in Ahmedabad who exactly fit the bill you mention. For all their sacrifices, both of their daughters [2 and 1 respectively] when they finished their secondary schooling, ran away with boys from their home and got married. Yes, 16-17 year old girls who just finished their 12th stds eloped with their boyfriends - all within a month of each other…
Unfortunately I think such an attitude results more because of women who are not very literate or don’t work and are dependent on their husbands. And given their own parent’s pressures I guess its easier for them to accept the tragedy and live with it.
Its a sorry situation for women who choose to stay in such a marriage.
December 16th, 2007 at 7:54 pm reply
Bluespriite, I think you are right. The fear of living and managing things alone might be the key although consideration for children is often touted as the reason. And more often than not, the children are aware of the truth.
Nitin, I understand but I was surprised that that only objective of the future was to get their daughters married off and as you correctly point out, such expectations are a function of a variety of factors. Doesn’t it all boil down to giving the children a say?
Supremus, yup! I have seen such relationships at close quarters as well and although earlier I used to sympathize with them, I don’t do so any more. Childen caught in middle of damaged relationships turn out much worse than children whose parents are divorced. So it is all about thinking what do you care more - your children or the society you live in? For believers in either, the choice is a no-brainer.
December 17th, 2007 at 2:10 am reply
..the greater tragedy is that in society there IS a societal bias against kids of divorced parents ..at one level its almost like the divorce habit is contagious, thus a daughter of a divorcee has a greater propensity to get divorced herself. The other aspect i think is the fact that a divorcee mother, “without a husband to keep her on track” - well, God knows what gulchade she has been udhaoing right?
I do not think people should stay in a bad marriage “for the sake of the kids”. But at some level, i can guess where that fear is coming from.
It ultimately boils down to the woman and her level of education and courage she has to deal with it.
December 17th, 2007 at 10:27 am reply
People will find a reason to say “don’t divorce” to a woman whatever the kids’ age. If they are young, they need their father, how could you be so cruel? If they are adolescent or older, can’t you see they will have issues getting married? If the kids are already married, my God, after all these years of marriage, you now want to divorce?
Strangely, none of these rules really apply to men. If a man wants to divorce, it’s certainly because he has a lousy wife, and he must get another one at the earliest.
Ok, I am guilty of generalization, stereotyping and ranting here :) But unfortunately it does happen all the time..
December 18th, 2007 at 6:58 pm reply
Isn’t anyone considering the effect an abusive relationship has on the kids in concern?
They sure are going to have mighty screwed up relationship with men, in general. Ugh!
December 18th, 2007 at 11:16 pm reply
A lot of this depends on how the woman herself is. If the woman is educated broad-minded and will probably mingle with like-minded people, the divorce would be understood and overlooked in favour of more rational reasoning. However in most of middle-class India where this is not true, people will stay blind.
But what about the adverse effect the father will have on the daughters? They will probably develope a bias against men, or atleast will have a problem interacting with them later. And I also agree wtih bluespriite, the woman could probably be searching for an excuse to cover up for her insecurities and may not be socially or financially independent.
December 19th, 2007 at 12:20 pm reply
To me it come’s across as purely not being able to accept that her marriage has failed. Let’s say there is someone (who the lady in question would consider eligible) who is willing to marry her children despite the divorce, then there will be other excuses, including (though not limited to) “How will I fund (insert whatever needs to be funded here)”.
Funny, yes, but I know the lady in my comment, whose made atleast 20 different statements in the last 10 years.
December 20th, 2007 at 1:17 pm reply
if the reasons for putting up with abuse is true - i consider it to be very practical and very logical ( and very common). men who are into arranged marriage are extremel paranoid and suspicious of arranged marriage. A risk averse male in a risky environment is never going to choose, among two unknowns, the unknown with higher risk.
from the data i have seen girls with abused mother, if they get into the arranged marriage loop, are extra keen on making the marriage work and appreciate/value of a normal husband more.
December 21st, 2007 at 7:22 am reply
it is a reality that in a traditional setting the parents activities affect the childrens future……….and it takes an extremely confident woman to be able to walk away and brave the tight knit society that is india. the solution is an extremely personal choice with no right or wrong. you will find it hard to understand as you have not been robbed of your privacy or independence which can be the case in an over populated traditional and sometimes not so traditional indian society.
January 8th, 2008 at 6:46 am reply
It may be ridiculous but it is true. I have a divorced aunt who was made to face ‘the reality that her daughter’s chances were marred’. Her daughter is now married but there was a considerable bit of desperation and fear that influenced some of the earlier desicions.
I’ve been in a really bad relationship myself and my one thought above all when I got out was
It isn’t right or fair but then, who ever said life was?
January 19th, 2008 at 6:18 am reply
They should stay together for the sake of the children. If she is in an abusive relationship, she should learn to stop being abusive. She should not listen to the government support for women, because they are liars who destroy families.